just now : NAPOWRIMO 3

When you walked out in the backyard
And the sun was shining, you
Did a turn kick still dressed in your pajamas
And I said wanted to say you are beautiful
And I cannot bear to leave you today
So I will call off work and spend the day just
Looking at the strawberry-fleck of your
Lip and we will make a nest of blankets
And laugh and let me hold on to this moment
Of the sun and you in your pajamas

But instead I said something stupid
And you said “gross”
And I felt that I had stood in the scales
And been found wanting and something
In my guts is a kicked dog, always
And it turned and gnawed at my guts
like a rope of sausages
So I stared out the window of the car

And you put music on, and it made the silence louder
So I turned it down

And I thought I could let the poisonous thing out
And I said something else stupid
Trying to deflate the growing thing in my guts
And you heard me dismiss
Your hurt, and you
Grew larger and angry
And my kicked dog burrowed
Under my lungs to hide

And you shouted, and you were right
And I walked into work
And hated my dumb hands
and my stupid mouth
That can never hold on to the sun, and your pajamas
Or touch the strawberry-fleck of your lip